The Motherhood Series, Ep. 10: Why We Chose Homebirth: A Story of Trauma, Trust, and Taking Back My Power

Choosing homebirth wasn’t a quick decision. It wasn’t a trend or an impulse. It was something that was planted in me years ago, after I walked through birth trauma with my first baby and only fully bloomed during this pregnancy.

This time, I knew things had to be different.

This time, I knew I had to be different.

Where It Started: My First Birth & the Trauma I Carried Forward

After my son was born, I walked away carrying more fear and confusion than joy and it took years to understand why.

I went into labor naturally at 39 weeks, even though my provider insisted on induction because of IVF and the assumption he’d be “big.” That should’ve been my first sign: my body knew exactly what it was doing, and I was still being rushed.

The moment I got to the hospital, they started Pitocin. No trust, no patience, no conversation.

Just urgency that didn’t make sense.

Later, after doing my own research, I learned you can go days after your water breaks before infection risk increases. Their rush was never about safety, it was about policy.

And when baby kept getting overstimulated by the pitocin… instead of honoring what my body was doing, they kept pushing.

By the time I reached 6 cm and started feeling everything intensify, fear took over. I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to get through it without the epidural, so I got it. Immediately, I hated how it made my body feel.

Pushing was another story. They put me flat on my back, something I later learned adds twenty extra pounds of pressure to the pelvis. Baby's heart rate dipped after an hour, so the OB performed an episiotomy. No alternate positions. No slowing down. No trust.

And the moment that cemented my trauma?

While I was supposed to be experiencing my golden hour, the OB taught a resident how to stitch me up. I could feel everything. My mom was horrified. I was numb, not physically, but emotionally.

That moment stole the first memories I should have had with my first.

I knew going into my next pregnancy: I would never allow myself to be treated like that again.

Trying Again With a New Provider… and Still Feeling Unheard

When I got pregnant this time, I wanted to heal what happened before. I gave my original provider a real chance to understand my trauma. They didn’t. Not really.

I made it to the anatomy scan and they wouldn’t let my toddler sit with us.

That felt like the final straw.

A midwife at the same practice told me gently, “You need to make the decision that’s best for your family.”She understood, even though she had to stay employed by the system. I still appreciate her honesty.

So I switched to a more holistic hospital-based practice. I did a telehealth consult first because I needed to feel safe.

It started well, but the more appointments I had, the more the old patterns showed:

• “We recommend induction at 39 weeks because IVF.”

• “You’ll need NSTs starting at 36 weeks.”

• Strong pushes for RSV and TDAP even though I already had long-term immunity.

  
  

Everything felt like fear-based medicine. Everything felt like pressure. Everything felt like déjà vu.

The 32-Week Appointment That Broke Me

By 32 weeks, I was already feeling stretched thin — physically, emotionally, mentally. I walked into that appointment hoping for reassurance, conversation, or at the very least, respect.

What I got was guilt.

The constant pressure. The fear-based language. The “just-in-case” recommendations that felt more like mandates.

And then the tipping point: they handed me a decline form to sign because I refused the TDaP — even though I already have immunity for the next 10 years.

I remember sitting there, emotional and overwhelmed, staring at that slip of paper, thinking:

Why am I being treated like I’m doing something wrong for asking questions?

For trusting my own immune system?

For choosing what feels safest for my baby and my body?

I left the form on the counter. I walked out without signing it. And something in me broke open.

Then came the push for the RSV vaccine — brand new, barely studied long-term in pregnant women and newborns and that was the moment I knew, with absolute clarity:

I was done.

Done with fear-based care.

Done with guilt as a tool.

Done with a system that viewed me as a liability instead of a mother.

I cried on the drive home because it felt like déjà-vu of my first pregnancy, the pressure, the second-guessing, the feeling that everything I chose for my own body had to be justified.

The Shift: Hearing What I Needed at the Exact Right Time

Around this time, I listened to a podcast by a local doula, Hehe Stewart, featuring Sophie Messager, PhD, from the UK. They talked about placentas, all the myths, fear tactics, and misinformation that get pushed on women for profit.

The episode brought light to how much of what we’re told is based in fear, not physiology.

That conversation gave me the peace of mind I didn’t even realize I was looking for.

What struck me most was:

“The placenta is wise. She knows when it’s time and what the baby needs.”

When I heard that, I felt it in my bones. Because once you’re pregnant, it doesn’t matter how. IVF, natural, med-assisted, your body is not broken, your placenta is not confused, and your baby is not at a disadvantage.

Intervention just for control? That’s what gets in the way of what your body is already doing so beautifully on its own.

If you want to listen to the full talk, you can watch it here: Placenta Wisdom Podcast

Every time I replay those words in my mind, the placenta is wise , something in me calms down.

Opening the Door to Homebirth

At that point, I knew two things:

1. I needed a birth team that trusted my body.

2. I needed an environment that didn’t trigger old trauma.

So I started seriously exploring homebirth, even freebirth if I had to just to understand my options.

And then something shifted.

When I met my homebirth midwife, I instantly felt what had been missing all along:

Safety. Calm. Confidence. Choice.

She didn’t rush me.

She didn’t talk over me.

She didn’t treat me like a condition or a liability.

She treated me like a woman capable of giving birth, not someone she had to manage.

I asked her probably a million questions

.Every “what if?”

Every concern.

Every fear.

And she answered them without judgment, without fear-mongering, and without pushing an agenda.

This relationship alone started healing the trauma I’d been carrying for years.

Filling in the Gaps While I Transitioned

I continued with the holistic provider only until:

• all required testing was complete

• baby’s position was confirmed

• the anatomy scan was done

• the NICU risks were ruled out

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Then I transferred fully and had my records sent to my homebirth midwife.

And honestly? Every visit with her has felt like exhaling.

This care is different.

Longer appointments. Real conversations. Emotional support. Postpartum visits that don’t end after 24–48 hours.

A team that trusts physiology over protocol.

I opted for a birthing tub too, the calming presence of water feels like the right choice for this birth. And it’s beautiful.

Choosing Homebirth Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Safety

I want to be clear:

I’m nervous. I know it will hurt .I know homebirth requires strength and surrender.

But I would never deny a transfer if it was necessary. Homebirth and hospital care aren’t enemies, they complement each other when done right.

The difference this time is simple:

I have a team that trusts my body. And I trust myself.

That matters more than anything.

Coming Next: Ep. 11 — Our Homebirth Experience

In the next episode, I’ll share the full story:

• labor at home

• what the birth pool felt like

• how my midwives supported me

• the emotional and physical differences

• postpartum care that actually felt like care

This is the story I wish I had found years ago. And maybe it’s the story someone else needs right now.

❤️